Drowning in the Sun
by Sango
Summary: This is the tale of a miko and hanyou who wanted only each other, a rare and innocent love betrayed, and the time Midoriko's jewel came so very close to finally granting happiness instead of sorrow...Complete.
1. Natsu ' Summer

Drowning in the Sun, Part 1   
Natsu _(Summer)_   
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_Passion or coincidence   
Once prompted you to say,   
"Pride will tear us both apart..."_

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It was the allure of power that drew him there, but such was not the snare that held him. 

In the bleak years following his mother's death, there had been no tranquil hand to temper his volatile nature. Lost in the heart-starved void of her absence, a desperate yearning for acceptance grew in his breast, running wildly unchecked until it consumed every waking thought. He'd learned early on that he had no place among humans, but with the jewel's power he could cast off the disgrace of the human taint in his blood and become a true youkai, joining their ranks and assuming his true potential. Every youkai knew of the _Shikon no Tama_, but none had yet been able to steal it away, as it was guarded day and night by a priestess of fearsome power. 

Occasionally, in his quest to deny her legacy, half-forgotten whispers of his mother's voice stabbed him with darts of lingering guilt. These he obdurately ignored, for she, in her frail humanity, had left him in the end. And how else should he gain the respect of those who endlessly mocked and reviled him? Especially his arrogant and faultlessly perfect half-brother... 

It had not taken long to locate the Shikon no Tama, though attaining it became another story altogether. His every attempt had yet been met with crushing failure. The deceptively delicate miko that guarded the object of his desire began to fascinate him as she thwarted him effortlessly at every turn. She mercilessly and unrepentantly ended the lives of the other youkai attacking her stronghold without hesitation, but always she left him alive, burning with frustrated fury. How humiliating, to constantly meet such shameful defeat at her hands. _Her_, a mere human. He hated her even as he began to respect her. 

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Tiny lines of pain blossomed where the blazing arrowheads grazed the first layers of skin, a gently taunting reminder of the archer's consummate skill and purposeful intent: to humiliate but not harm, mere wounds to my pride that burnt from the sweat beading my skin involuntarily from the close call that really wasn't. 

Again. 

My furious gaze caught only her back when I raised it, as she was already walking gracefully away from me with both the proud bearing of a princess and the confident stride of a warrior, at a pace of apparent leisure. 

_That_ was too much. "Why don't you just finish me off?" I roared, shaking with impotent rage. 

She paused abruptly, for this was the first time I'd ever spoken to her. For a moment she was silent, but then without turning around she said, "Make no more attempts on the jewel, Inuyasha. I would not enjoy killing you." 

Her voice was clear and even, but with unfathomable undertones, as though some vibrancy or emotion ran wildly beneath the surface, forcibly subdued by the assumed serenity of a dedicated miko. There was a beautiful sadness that pierced me, reminiscent of my mother. 

I began to follow her after that day, telling myself that it was natural I should stalk my prey, searching for a weakness and memorizing her routine patterns of movement. Eventually I had to abandon that pretense. She fascinated me. Soon I could pluck out her unique scent easily from among the teeming masses of villagers that swarmed through the human community daily. She smelled like no one else. There weren't words to describe it, her scent. It had a crystalline purity not found anywhere else, with notes of spring blossoms and summer honey and the spicy woodsmoke of winter fires. I could become drunk on it. I dreamed of it. But still I told myself to think only of power, and the jewel. 

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There was no sound above the muted roar of falling water, nothing to detract from the view my inhuman eyesight afforded me. The white robe concealed nothing, made translucent as it was by the water pouring from the bucket she held overhead. Her face tilted up toward the patch of sunlight gleaming through the sheltering trees, cool water raising a roseate blush in the pale skin, her lips curving in a rare smile I only ever saw her wear alone. My own cheeks were burning as well, to my shame. For all that I was not young in human years, I had never seen so much of a female's bare flesh. 

I had not thought rainbows could be black, but dark motes of color flew from her hair as she shook out the water in that bit of sunlight, sitting down on the grassy bank to comb and spread it behind her to dry. I had never seen it unbound before, such a length of pure black, shining and fine. So different from the hair I wore as a human, dark and coarse and wild. My mother had had hair such as that, like heavy cords of silk I'd loved to bury my hands in when I was very young. The only good memory I had of the new moon was of being allowed to brush it, because with their usual claws my childish clumsiness made it nearly impossible for me to pull the fine silver implement through without snagging painfully. Only on that one night was I allowed to comb and play with its gleaming length, until it fell like a waterfall of night down her back to pool around us both. I still had that brush somewhere. 

I could not keep from imagining what it would be like to join her in the sylvan quietude of that secluded waterfall, lying together in a lake of black silk. 

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I relished time alone, then, when I did not have to wear the endlessly patient face of a miko: placid, enduring and unemotional. The waterfall was my favorite place, far enough from the village that none but me frequented it, close enough to civilization that no youkai deigned to dwell there. A whisper of awareness touched my mind. _Is he here, now?_ I knew he followed me sometimes, coveting the jewel. But something in the way the intensity of his unseen gaze had begun to burn into my skin made me wonder, was there more to it than that? 

I could not tell if he were near, and I did not want to leave my bath now that I had my heart set on it. I checked the impulse to cast my gaze around suspiciously -- I found suddenly that if he were he actually here, I did not want him to leave. There was some forbidden thrill in the idea that he might be watching, a wicked mote of rebellious glee in the immodesty for one who must always be perfectly modest, pure, and sexless. I was a woman long past the onset of marriageable age and no man had ever looked at me with anything aside from fearful respect. No man had ever looked at me as a man looks at a woman. 

Inuyasha, at least, looked at me with none of the awe or respect of the villagers, and skillfully hid any fear with disdain or anger. Pinned more than once by the furious intensity of his amber, cat-pupiled eyes, I felt each time that he actually saw _me_. The last time we met his gaze had dropped briefly to my mouth, a spark of hunger igniting behind the wild irises that set my heart beating faster with something akin to anticipation, or fear. 

I did not stray from my normal routine, or play to the audience I might have had, but I could not keep the slight smile from my lips or the blush from my face. I felt feminine, desirable, like a water nymph at play covertly spied upon by mortal men. A mythical, enchanting naiad instead of a lonely mortal bound in miko's robes. 

To someone, I was beautiful. 

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I sat in the summer meadow that looked over the village, alone as usual. He alighted, as always, in the trees above me, and I sighed quietly. Was it always to be like this? Him shadowing my footsteps silently, while I pretend not to notice in the absurd hope that he will just approach me openly? 

I want to talk to him. 

My heart jumped into my throat at the thought. I shoved it down forcefully and spoke around it, my decision made. "Inuyasha? You're there, aren't you?" I asked, though of course I knew that he was. "Why don't you come down and sit with me?" 

Why did that feel like an invitation of more significance than the words themselves lent? My heart pounded with fear of his refusal. 

_Today, she was sitting alone in a meadow, gazing quietly at nothing, the bow that never strayed far from her hands resting lightly across her knees. Fascinated by the rhythmic play of her ebony hair in the shifting winds, I was startled to hear her speak suddenly, though she never glanced my way._

To my surprised delight, he leapt gracefully down next to me, and I kept my face expressionless with the ease of long practice. He warily kept distance between us and said nothing, glancing at me only out of the corner of his eye. 

_Somewhat affronted at her ability to detect me so easily, I grudgingly leapt out of the tree to land at her side, settling into the carpet of grass. Looking at her out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw her smile, almost._

The silence was unsettling. Well, I rather figured that I would have to do the talking. I had not even half the experience with flirtation that the coquettish village girls many years my junior did, but I stumbled doggedly ahead anyway. 

"This is the first time we've sat and talked like this, isn't it?" I said inanely, stating the obvious. And he had not said anything at all yet, the significance of which was apparently not lost on him as he raised a sardonic eyebrow. 

_Her quiet, maddeningly calm voice was lined with an unfamiliar note of wistfulness. Glancing over, I grimaced sourly at her. To my knowledge, I hadn't said anything yet._

Enough with pleasantries, I supposed. I dove right in. "How do you see me, Inuyasha? As a human?" 

_Was she simple-minded? Had I been beaten down countless times by a half-wit?_

Obviously surprised into responding in spite of himself, he said, "Feh. Of course! What the hell else would you be?" His voice was rough and unpolished, husky but not unpleasant. The low timbre sent a slight shiver down my spine. 

"You are the only one," I said, hating the note of vulnerability that crept unbidden into my voice. After a pause, I said, "We're the same, you know. You and I. Always alone. That is why I could never bring myself to kill you." 

_I jerked in surprise at her blatantly untrue statement. "What? What the hell are you talking about?"_

_She gave a small, humorless laugh. "I have never lived a normal life. I was born a miko, destined to guard the shikon with my life. To everyone else, that is all that I am." Her voice grew quiet. "My power isolates me. They are glad of its protection, but it frightens them."_

_She spoke truly, I realized. All the while I had followed her, I had never seen the villagers treat her with anything other than a respect bordering on fear, as they sought her services. She ate alone, walked alone, and only the children ever sought her out for companionship._

_"Human am I in body," she said, "but never a woman."_

_Perhaps we were more alike than I had dared to think. I glanced over at her, and she smiled. I sniffed and looked away, but could not leave._

We sat in somewhat companionable silence until the ruby ball of sunlight touched the horizon, slowly sinking into the earth. I stood then, and he leapt to his feet also, facing me with an uncertainty I knew was mirrored in my own expression. 

_For those few brief moments at the instant of dusk, every hue seemed suddenly brighter and more vibrant, until at last they burnt themselves out and faded softly into the silent dark. In the gloaming her hair threw back a nearly blue-violet sheen, flickering and half-concealing the pale gleaming oval of her face. The amethystine highlights captivated me utterly. Her white skin almost seemed faintly to glow, and her solemn eyes were fathomless, a dark, swallowing obsidian that ate up the night and stole my breath._

_"Will you not come tomorrow?" she asked, twisting the strands around her finger. "I'll bring food."_

He took so long in answering that I had begun to think he would not. Fearsome and slightly feral, his amber eyes glowed inhumanly in the low light, his platinum-fair hair twisting in wild array around a cold, expressionless face. Only half-youkai was he, but all the more unpredictable for it; perhaps I took dangerous liberty with the invitation. One of my dead mother's sayings came suddenly to mind: "_Those who would play with fire should not be surprised at finding themselves burnt_..." 

"I might," was all he said, leaning in, and I was suddenly fascinated by the dilation of the cat-like pupils I had never been close enough to really notice before. It was like swimming in amber flame, drowning in the sun. 

_I drank deeply of the air touched by her scent before I caught myself doing it, leaping suddenly away into the trees before she could take notice._

_After that, I ceased to think about the jewel. My thoughts were only of Kikyou._

_Always of Kikyou._

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End Part 1 

For the record, I'm not against Inuyasha and Kagome being together. But I do think the love between Kikyou and Inuyasha is worth writing about; I think that it's a beautiful story that would have been a perfect romance had not Naraku interfered. I think that Kikyou was a good person before her death, and it's very sad to see what even the most pure and kind person can become under the right circumstances. I don't think she and Inuyasha still belong together; she is no longer herself, and I don't think there is a future for them unless she somehow merges with Kagome. I suppose that part of me just thought that their melancholy, star-crossed romance needed to be written, if only to show how it influenced the Inuyasha who now loves Kagome. Perhaps it will turn out to be a prologue to another, longer story (if the manga is finished by then!). 

Happy reading, and please let me know what you think, good or bad :) 

song quote by Duran Duran 

~Sango (sango_chan@hotmail.com) 


	2. Aki ' Autumn

Drowning in the Sun, Part 2   
Aki _(Autumn)_   
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_"With thee conversing I forget all time."   
John Milton_

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I saw the ears first, twitching agitatedly as I crested the hill, and repressed a thrill of delight. _He'd come!_ I hadn't thought he would, though I did not stay away just in case. 

Our eyes met, and he grunted acknowledgement at me, though his bearing seemed to declare loudly that he was here merely of his own volition, our meeting only coincidence. Ah, well, I didn't care. 

"Wha'dja bring?" he asked warily, sniffing suspiciously at the basket in my hands. "Not trying to poison me, are you?" he asked rudely, and I thought he was joking until after I laid out the simple fare and served him. I realized that he wasn't going to start eating until after I did. 

It made things awkward, as propriety indicated he should begin eating first. I shrugged mentally; etiquette be damned. I lifted a rice ball to my mouth with a small smile. Even such small rebellions I relished. 

It saddened me though, to think that he'd had to be wary of poison. I wondered if someone had tried before. 

Thus began a pattern of countless evenings. At first he always stayed only long enough to finish eating, before leaping away into the trees. One night, he called out a gruff "Thanks," at me as he left, softly enough that I almost thought it my imagination. Finally he seemed to realize that I wanted nothing from him other than companionship, and began to linger well after the food was gone. 

I found myself silently noting what foods he enjoyed, trying to remember his preferences that I might please him better. It was difficult, because he ate _everything_, but some of it did disappear faster than the rest. I mocked myself silently when I realized what I was doing, but it was a joy to see his pleasure in something so simple. I wondered what he'd been surviving on until this point. Whatever he could find in the forest, I supposed. 

Slowly, we began to talk of things, though always small and of little consequence, and mostly done on my part. When I ran out of neutral conversational topics, I would tell him the tales I told the village children, and some that were too old for their ears. He would listen with seeming disinterest, occasionally interjecting to correct some misconception of mine about youkai, in a condescending tone. He was surprisingly wise in some things, though I guess considering how much older than I he must have been, it was to be expected. 

One night I told him the legend of the red rose. It was not well received. 

_Many years ago, roses wore only petals of purest white or palest yellow, colors decreed by the gods to reflect the light of heaven. Yet pale shadows, they, as the gods desired no bright beauty to compete with their glory. _

One season, when the rains were especially plentiful and the weather mild, the blooming roses flourished as they had not done in half an age. One lord's garden in particular drew many visitors, for in the very center lay the most elegant white rose of all, pure and utterly colorless. At the hour of gloaming she donned the lambent blue-white of lightning, glowing softly against the dusk and making all other of her white brethren seem darkened into cream. So also did her heady scent outmatch that of any other flower: sweet but not cloying, delicate and intoxicating, with a note of something so divine and otherworldly that human speech fell far short of its description. It was such that her human master suffered to post a guard around her when the garden was opened by day, that no visitor might grow overzealous in his attempt to taste the scent, and accidentally mar the pristine petals. 

One unnoticed visitor drawn by the faultless beauty and enchanting scent was a small brown nightingale of unmatched voice, whom no other could rival in song. He flew for miles to see the splendor which was spoken of so widely, and was not disappointed. Indeed, he dropped nearly out of the sky upon seeing her fully, robed in aquamarine-touched petals of alabaster that gleamed and sparkled under approaching nightfall, kissed by tiny glittering beads of evening dew. Her matchless scent called out to him, luring him closer, filling his tiny lungs until he felt nearly drunk with it. 

He fell instantly in love with her, paying no heed at all to the fact that she had neither feathers nor wings. He earnestly sang his heart out to her, pouring his love into liquid song, and she was not unaffected. But though she swayed and shivered delightedly under the onslaught of such unadulterated sweet sound, her heart was frightened, and her petals remained closed to him. 

Night after night, he came to pay court to her, serenading her under an audience of silent stars until he grew weak and faint of breath. Her heart was greatly touched both by the beautiful song and the love it carried to her ears, but the disapproving rustle of her unmoved elder sisters always checked her yearning impulse to open herself for him. His winged brethren came often to mock him as he retired to the trees above, for foolishly wasting his song on a mere rose, land-bound and silent. 

Eventually, as is the way for all true lovers, their love grew strong enough to overpower all else, the haughtily denouncing voices of flower and feather alike. One quiet night the rose closed her ears to every caustic murmur around her and softly opened hesitant snow-white arms to her winged lover, reaching shyly out to touch his trembling feathered breast. 

Flower and bird, two creations never meant to mate. The gods were furious, for from that single, forbidden union was born the crimson rose. To this day, his raiment of blood-red petals gleams with startlingly vibrant color, and an unearthly radiance that rivals even the gods themselves. 

Caught up in the telling, I had not noticed his reaction until it was too late. He sat ramrod-straight, every muscle tight, so angry I wondered if he might actually strike me. 

"And just _where_ is that stupid red rose going to live now?" he asked bitingly. "The white roses ain't gonna want it 'cause it's different, and the nightingales sure as hell won't -- what would they want with a damned flower that can't sing, or fly?" 

_That is where you are wrong, my Inuyasha. Not all of the white roses are so indifferent..._

"Well, where do you suppose pink roses came from?" I countered sweetly. 

He shifted as though startled, then crossed his arms and looked away. "Bah. It's only a fucking story." 

That was the last story I would tell him; at that moment I dared to ask something personal, and our conversations radically changed their course forever. "Which of your parents was human, Inuyasha?" 

His face darkened further into startling animosity. Those fascinating eyes narrowed into glittering slits, and his fists clenched. "Human girl," he growled, low in his throat, "you ask too many questions." 

I bowed my head, chastised, but continued to regard him out of the corner of my eye...because everything in his body language screamed that he _did_ really want to talk about this. 

"I'm sorry," I said simply, ashamed. "I don't mean to pry. I just want--" 

_To know you._ I couldn't say it. 

"You aren't going to leave this alone, are you?" he asked bitterly. He took a breath and blew it out violently before speaking. "My father was the youkai Lord of the Western Lands. My mother was a human who caught his fancy after the death of his youkai mate. Both are dead now, and I have only a half-brother who'd like to kill me for being a stain on the family honor. Happy?" 

_Yes. You opened up to me, even a little..._

"If it pains you to talk about them, you don't have to," I said. I dutifully turned the conversation toward myself in return. "Both of my parents are dead as well. My mother passed away shortly after my sister Kaede's birth, and my father the year after that." Pining after her. 

"Kaede doesn't remember them; only I do. I'm the only one who still sees her smile behind closed eyelids, or yearns for my father's nod of approval. They were good people...they just weren't survivors." I was surprised to find my voice dark. 

We were both silent a while, thinking. 

"My mother..." he said haltingly, "...was very beautiful." His face seemed to tighten, drawing in upon itself, before going completely blank. "But she was always sad. My fault, you know...my birth made her a pariah, an outcast among humans with no welcome by the youkai. My father, you see, already had a full-youkai heir who could not forgive his sire's _indiscretions_." 

"You didn't ask to be born, Inuyasha." I looked at him steadily, keeping my heart from my eyes lest he mistake it for pity. "None of it was your fault." I leaned back and locked my fingers together around one drawn-up knee. "She must have loved your father very much, and was glad to have his child. Her sadness was probably for you, that the human world would be so cruel even to a child." 

Inuyasha was done talking. He left abruptly, without a backward glance, and did not meet me again for nearly a week after. I nearly made myself sick worrying that he would never come again, though of course I could confide in no one. 

I didn't ask him any more questions after that, though he began occasionally to talk on his own. Mostly, I confessed to him all of my wicked, secret thoughts. I found that he was a good listener; he sat quietly as I spoke of loneliness and the restless desire to cast off a responsibility that I must bear unto the grave. It was shameful even to mention, but whom would he tell? 

I was barely a maid when they bound me to the jewel's safekeeping, and in my fervent devotion I could have imagined no higher honor than that my sensei bestowed upon me. But as I crossed into womanhood, and began to see girls younger than myself falling in love, marrying, and starting families, I began to feel very much alone, with only Kaede to share my hut. Young as she was, I began to dread the day she would marry and leave me. I began to realize just how much I had given up with the choice to assume that awesome responsibility, and part of me fell into regret. 

Duty was a wearying chain around my neck: a fine filament escaping outward notice, but adamantine and breakable by naught but death. Time with him, though, seemed to lessen the burden, and I found my life suddenly joyful with him in it. 

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Kikyou was the first to teach me that a human could also have a life fraught with frustrated hopes, and the inescapable feeling of being an outsider. Of not belonging. As I grew to know her better, I began to see them as more than just the pale, weaker imitations of the glorious youkai among which I longed to take my rightful place. Kikyou was courage and determination, selflessness and strength. 

I still didn't trust her enough to show her my face on the new moon. It was too revealing, a secret every hanyou guarded with their life. Because it _was_ a matter of life or death, to the ever-persecuted hanyou. If Sesshoumaru should find out, I'd be dead. 

She never said so, but I'm still convinced that the reason my mother hid us so far from my father's people was to keep that secret from my half-brother. 

Kikyou often wore the jewel when we met. It eased her mind, she said. She could sit and talk with me without having to train her eyes always on the village for signs of attack. 

It was also a sign of trust in me, and I valued that. 

I no longer sought openly to attain it, but its mystery still drew the eye. The jewel was opulent, opalescent as a pearl plucked from the mouth of an oyster, but pellucid enough to reveal the swirling colors of power within. It shone from the hollow of her throat with a life of its own, but strangely it did not beckon me. No longer was the power it could lend me the reason I lay awake at night with the sleeplessness born of painful longing unfulfilled. 

I wanted the bearer much more than the jewel. 

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Kikyou-Oneesama was my life. She was the only mother I had ever known. I was ecstatic when at last she finished her miko training and returned home full-time. I could not wait to move out of our neighbor's hut back into the one we'd shared. But she was not entirely the sister I remembered; the strangely lifelike jewel she wore upon her return was a beautiful millstone around her neck, I soon realized. Gone was the playful elder sister I knew, though she was still unfailingly kind. All the earlier merriment in her eyes had been weighed down by the heaviness of her responsibilities. 

Years passed, and I watched her fade more and more into the role of miko guardian, until my sister was only visible in short snatches of conversation in the dead of night, a quiet joke, a stolen laugh. I mourned for the loss even as my admiration grew; she was indeed mighty in power and conviction. 

One summer, everything changed. I couldn't figure out why...until she took me to meet him. 

I really didn't like him at first. He was gruff, almost rude, and did nothing at all that might endear him to little girls. But I saw the way the she smiled around him, when he was near. Oneesama often looked happy as she played with the village children, but rarely did she smile with her eyes. He made her whole face smile. 

I remember clearly that first day. Lounging by a shaded pool enclosed by a canopy of flowering vines, the smile he wore for her in greeting died instantly as he caught sight of my small form peeking out from around her tall and graceful one. I swallowed hard and tried not to look intimidated. Everyone in the village knew of Inuyasha, the hanyou set on attaining the Shikon no Tama, though only my sister had seen him up close. He frightened me, but I trusted my older sister completely and knew that she would not have brought me had she thought him dangerous. 

That made him only slightly less fearsome. His relaxed posture had quickly melted into a guarded crouch, that mesmerizing golden stare trained warily on me. I twitched like a rabbit caught out of its hole by a wolf. 

"Don't scowl so, Inuyasha," Oneesama said, letting the curtain of vines fall back down behind her as she stepped onto the mossy green bank alongside the pool. The tiny blossoms' scent filled the small space, surrounding us in honeyed perfume. "Kaede," she said expectantly. 

I took the hint and bowed slightly, proud that I was not shaking. "_Hajimemashite_," I said formally. He sniffed, though the set of his shoulders uncoiled a bit.   
(AN: _"Hajimemashite"_ is a formal greeting meaning literally "It is the first time we meet.") 

Kikyou spread a cloth out upon the ground and began to unpack the food she had brought: palm-sized balls of rice stuffed with fish, pickled radish, clear soup, and tea. She served him first, and I wondered at the significance of that. He ate rather uncomfortably, as if remembering manners learned long ago and later discarded. I tried to keep my eyes downcast, focusing on the repast before us, lest I continue to stare at his ears. They begged to be touched, twitching and flicking at the slightest change in expression. 

He certainly never gave me much reason to like him, always scowling at me or just ignoring me completely. But he was never cruel, and once, in a rare moment of benevolent indulgence, he let me touch his ears. But even more than that...I had seen Oneesama smile more in the months since she had met him than in the years since her return. Because he made her happy, I loved him. 

The other man Oneesama took me to meet in the woods, I did not like at all. He _did_ smile at me, but the grin was oily and repulsive. Turned upon my sister it grew quite lecherous and appalling to look at, an expression of greed and insatiable lust. The things he said were awful, at least the ones I understood. Some of the worst turns of phrase were totally incomprehensible to my young and sheltered ears. But Oneesama never grew cross with him. Indeed, she seemed not even to notice how disagreeable this wretched man was, or the horrible leering in his eyes. 

I didn't like the way his eyes followed her, as though they tried to make up for what his hands could not touch. I knew that were he hale he would have attacked her long since, or tried to, anyway. 

Finally, I could stand no more. As we walked back to the village after a particularly trying visit, I exploded. "How can you stand that awful, awful man?? Can't you see the way he _looks_ at you? I hate him!" I sulked angrily, expecting a lecture on charity and the duty of a miko. 

The look she turned on me held no recrimination, just a slight sadness. "Kaede-chan, that man will likely never leave the floor of that lonely cave." She turned again to walk. "Looking is all that is left to him." 

I never understood how she could be so altruistic, so pure. Had it been me, I would have left him there to rot; the depraved wild-thief had more than likely deserved his wretched fate. But that was why _she_ had been chosen to guard the jewel; no other had the untouched purity of her blemishless soul. 

Fate rewarded her compassion cruelly. 

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We sat in an easy silence, leaning against the same tree. Close enough almost to touch, but I was yet a coward and could not bring myself to close the gap. What if that were not her desire at all? I couldn't bear to see rejection and revulsion on her face the way I had on every human not related to me, not after finding such an unexpected friend in her. 

Leaves fell softly from above, one by one adding themselves to the patchwork blankets of color that already piled thickly on the ground. Some caught now and then in her hair, and she laughed, shaking her head gently, unbinding the white ribbon that held it back. 

I reached unconsciously to pluck the nearest one out, bright gold against the raven's wing black-- 

"Don't," she said, and I jerked back as though burnt. _She doesn't want me to touch her--_

"Ba-ka," she said, drawing out the insult playfully. "Don't be like that." She grabbed my hand unexpectedly and pulled it back to her, clasping it between her own. "I just meant, leave it there...how often am I allowed to be untidy?" 

_I hadn't meant to hurt him. Grabbing his hand as it shrank away was pure reflex. I was stunned at my own forwardness, but I did not let go._

Her smile outshone the rioting colors around us. I could not breathe for this first contact of her skin against mine, cool and soft. Her hands were so small and weak-looking against my calloused ones, with their dangerous claws. A protective urge rose in my breast, which was silly, I told myself, as she'd beaten me down enough times in the beginning. 

She was right. The leaves did belong there, a veil of gold, carnelian and garnet over her darkly shining hair. I was dying to touch it but could not, afraid half that she would flinch away, and half that I would snag it with my claws. 

_His face was unreadable, so close to mine. Was he thinking the same things as I?_

The sun disappeared behind a cloud, and would not appear again before it passed the horizon. She shivered a bit, and shifted in a way I knew indicated that she would soon get up and leave. I cursed the shortening days, because she always left at dusk, which came earlier and earlier, but her duties rarely allowed her to come any sooner. 

"Here," I said curtly, shrugging out of the fire-rat over-jacket and offering it to her, the desire for her to stay outweighing the fear that she would refuse it. 

She smiled gratefully at me and took it, relaxing into the warmth. Belatedly, I only hoped it didn't smell too bad. I couldn't remember the last time it had been washed...probably the last time I'd been out in the rain. 

_His coat, aside from being deliciously warm, smelled like him and I already regretted the moment I would have to give it back. It was a clean, male scent: of forest, loam and fire._

She sighed. "I wish the days weren't growing so short. It feels like I only just came," she said, echoing my earlier though. After another moment, she asked, "If I stay a bit longer, Inuyahsa...will you walk me home? Even a miko doesn't like making herself easy prey in the dark." 

So that was why she always left at first nightfall. Didn't she know I always watched for her safe return? "Yeah." 

Her hand found mine again, and didn't let go until well after dark, when I left her at the village gate. 

--------------------------------------   
End Part 2 

I love writing this piece. Inuyahsa is such a wonderfully complex character, as is Kikyou. Hope you are enjoying it. Two more parts coming! :) 

The legend of the red rose is not my original idea. I borrowed and substantially embellished the myth from Susan Kay's Phantom, one of my favorite books: "Then, tonight, an old minstrel song that made me close my eyes on tears … the story of the white rose who loved a nightingale against the will of Allah. 'Night after night the nightingale came to beg for divine love, but those the rose trembled at the sound of his voice, her petals remained closed to him. …' Flower and bird, two species never meant to mate. Yet at length the rose overcame her fear and from that single, forbidden union was born the red rose that Allah never intended the world to know." Susan Kay, Phantom (pg 433) 

Sango ) 


	3. Fuyu ' Winter

Drowning in the Sun, Part 3   
Fuyu _(Winter)_   
-------------------------------------- 

_How can you see into my eyes like open doors   
leading you down into my core   
where I've become so numb... _

...Now that I know what I'm without   
you can't just leave me   
Breathe into me and make me real   
Bring me to life 

Frozen inside without your touch   
without your love, darling   
Only you are the life among the dead... 

-------------------------------------- 

We saw less of each other once the cold season began in earnest. She was too damnably fragile to sit outside for long as we had been, though she tried at first, until I yelled at her to go home because her chattering teeth were grating on my nerves. 

I cursed her human weakness, but in truth I spent more and more time asleep in winter anyway. Youkai don't hibernate, but our patterns are still a bit seasonal. 

We didn't eat together much, though she still brought food for me to take when I left. It felt like charity, different from when we'd taken meals together, and I refused at first, but the hurt look in her eyes changed my mind. 

"I like making things for you, Inuyasha," she'd said, as though it were obvious, and I suddenly felt boorish for refusing. I guess, being a miko, she wasn't allowed to lower her station and cook for others very often. 

Because of the chill we began instead to walk together, as she stayed warmer that way. She would lean close and take my arm, tucking her hand into my sleeve. For warmth, she said. 

This new proximity made me breathless. The rose on her cheek begged to be touched, and there was nothing so beautiful as the lace of snowflakes caught in the sweep of her shyly downturned eyelashes. Having her on my arm felt so right, so natural. It was like losing a limb when she let go. 

-------------------------------------- 

"You are careless, tonight." How can such an inflectionless voice sound so menacing? 

Holding my bloodied body aloft with one hand, Sesshomaru tore into my chest with the poison-tipped claws of the other. The complete lack of expression on his face was more horrible than any bloodlust-distorted rictus he might have worn. I did not even warrant a slight frown, or narrowing of the eyes so much like my own. I was nothing to him; he hadn't even been searching for me. I'd just had the misfortune to have blundered into his path this night. 

_Such a fool. Going out to hunt, when you knew your senses were fading._ But I'd been ravenous. Game was scarce, and I'd wandered too far from my usual hunting grounds. 

"What's the matter, Inuyasha? You are weaker than usual...or perhaps I merely overestimate you." He sliced open my arm, for good measure, before dumping me unceremoniously on the ground. Clutching the bleeding arm to my chest, I forced myself up into a crouch. 

Long dead was the hanyou child who'd wished for his elder brother's regard. I could gladly kill Sesshomaru now, that bastard -- no, better to _maim_ him, and let him live out his near-endless life without the use of an eye, or a limb, forever cursing his "unworthy" half-brother for its lack. _Someday, I will do it. I promise._

He flicked the glowing whip almost negligently at me. I dodged once, but felt a nasty cut open along my cheekbone from the second strike. I was growling, low in my throat, but I couldn't summon up my usual fury and loathing, or the "go to Hell" attitude I reserved solely for his pompous ass. The panic was too strong, knowing that if I didn't get out of here _right now_, I would die. 

I would never give him that satisfaction. 

The sun dipped dangerously low behind the overhanging trees, trapped by cage of swaying black branches, its light only a breath away from dying. 

_Oh, shit._ Time to turn around and run like hell. Better to have him think me a coward than to reveal my weakness and die bravely. It wasn't as though his opinion of me could sink any lower. 

_Come and get me, you bastard._

He approached slowly, each measured step confident that I was beaten. I tried to look like I was about to keel over. It wasn't hard. 

_Closer..._

_Now!_

Holding the wounded arm close to my body had been a ruse, meant only to keep my last attack at the ready. Plunging my claws into the deep gash in my chest, I flung blades of my blood and his own poison back at him. 

"Hijin Ketsusou!" Not a lethal attack, not in a million years, but cast directly into his eyes at that range it was enough for me to break away. 

I crashed desperately through the woods, making sure to put as much distance as possible between us, sacrificing stealth for speed. Soon I would not even be able to smell him coming. He would be able to track _me_ from miles away; my wounds rained blood upon the ground in my wake. I could feel the sun sinking further out of sight with each beat of my heart. 

Why, Why had I run into him _tonight_, of all nights? 

The night dimmed slowly, as though someone were gradually turning down a lamp, and the myriad sounds of forest life drained from my ears, leaving me feeling half-blind and deaf, immersed in that wild momentary panic of sensory deprivation until gradually I adjusted to the lack. I couldn't see much, but the night had not gone pitch black yet. My sense of smell, the one I depended upon the most, told me nothing. Nothing at all. And I was still miles from my den. 

"Inuyasha?" 

"Kikyou!" _What the hell was she doing here?_

She stepped fully into view, a slight frown marring her features. "Is that you? I felt something really _strong_ out here--" she gasped, and I could only guess that she was taking in the copious amount of blood, the black hair, and the human features. 

There was no time. "Get out of here! He'll kill you!" Fear for her gave my voice a jagged edge. Gods have mercy, at least she wasn't wearing the jewel of power that would have drawn him like a beacon. 

My near-panic seeped into her, it seemed, as she pressed her lips together and asked no questions. Over my protests, she hurriedly tore a wide swath of material from her sleeve and bound up my arms. "Whatever you are running from will have no trouble finding you if you leave such an obvious trail." 

I tried to shove her away. "Get _away_ from me, Kikyou! This doesn't concern you--" 

Her head jerked up, suddenly. Even her senses were sharper than mine, now. She grabbed my arm, pulling me after her. "This way!" I had not the strength by then to resist, but my heart was leaden with fear that I would be the death of _her_ now, as well. All of my concentration was spent merely on keeping myself moving blindly after her, because I feared she would not leave me if I collapsed. 

She took a convoluted, twisting route through bramble and brush, heedless of where it gouged us both. Upon reaching a river she drug me across with her, until we reached the shallows of the far bank, still running in the water, harder to track. _Not stupid, my Kikyou._ My limbs were numb now, his poison seeping through my weakened human body, its progress quickened by the exertion. I had one moment to register dull surprise as she dove straight into a small waterfall, pulling me with her, but the rock face that I braced for never hit us. Behind the deluge was a surprisingly large cave. It was obviously previously inhabited, stocked with medicinal and cooking supplies. I glanced blankly at her as I slid down the wall, my legs dissolving into jelly. 

She shrugged, a wistful smile twisting her mouth. "This is my secret place, of sorts. A place that I come to meditate, or rest." The admission was almost shy. 

She visibly donned a healer's expression, mouth tightening into a thin line. "Let me see your wounds." 

I didn't move. "That won't be enough to keep him out, the water. It may confuse his sense of smell and buy a few hours, but nothing more." 

She looked questioningly at me, but said nothing. Quietly, she slid the bow off of her shoulder and knocked an arrow, shooting it into the dirt at the mouth of the cave, following the first shot with a second before its predecessor touched ground. The two fletched shafts formed an X at the entrance, glowing with a serene white light that shimmered and grew until the waterfall was no longer visible, and all that could be seen was our pale faces staring back at us from its mirrorlike surface. 

Turning to me, she said, "Anyone on the other side will only be able to see, hear, touch or smell solid rock, should they think to look behind the waterfall. We are safe." 

I barely heard her, as I slid bonelessly the rest of the way onto the floor. 

"Inuyasha!" She tore the makeshift bandages from my right arm, gasping at the red streaks climbing up the limb. "Poison," I heard her mutter, before the night claimed me fully. 

------------------------------------- 

I could only guess at the poison's content, but I did what I could, and hoped it was enough. Having taken care of that, I tried to make him dry and comfortable. Fortunately, plunging through the waterfall had not seemed to affect him much, since his outer clothing seemed to be completely waterproof. The only thing wet on him was his hair, which I toweled off as best I could with a dry shirt. By the time I covered him with a blanket and moved to strip out of my own sodden clothing, my numb fingers could barely move. I did not bother trying to fasten the dry, if cold, clothing I replaced it with. The fire I'd made to brew the tincture gave off little heat, but it was better than nothing. I wrapped another blanket around my shoulders and sat with him, drawing his head into my lap. For the first time in years I felt as though I could weep, for fear he would die. 

------------------------------------- 

I woke slowly, my head pillowed on a soft lap, a gentle hand stroking my hair. 

_Ofukoro?_ She always sat with me on this cursed night, when all of my senses deserted me. It was then, more than any other night, that I most wanted to be a true youkai. 

But no, the smell was all wrong. Even my human nose could tell that, eventually...and Ofukuro was long dead. The pungent smell of freshly-ground herbs overlaid her usual scent, but I lay unmistakably in the lap of Kikyou. 

I opened my eyes to gaze straight into hers. She was not smiling. "You are lucky, my hanyou, to have run into a miko this night." Her voiced wavered infinitesimally. "You almost died." 

I could only stare into her unusually dark eyes, the rich color of new earth. Her skin gleamed like the untouched petals of a white rose. I had never been so close to her before. Her maddening scent further addled my senses, and loosed my tongue. "Beautiful..." I heard myself say, to my chagrin. Color blossomed in her pale cheeks and traveled down her neck as she looked away. "You should sleep," she only said. 

"I never sleep on the new moon," I began hoarsely, but I felt so safe, there with her, and I could barely keep my eyes open, much less move to a sitting position. For the first time since my mother's death, I slept in my human skin. 

-------------------------------------- 

I buried my hands in his thick black hair, marveling at the silky softness of it even as I absurdly missed his ears. I'd always itched to touch them, but now that I had the opportunity, his human form had thwarted me. We had never been so close. My cheeks burned at his proximity, but I made no move to remove his head from my lap. He smiled faintly in his sleep, nuzzling closer, and I blushed even more furiously. Surely this was indecent for a miko, but my heart raced with a forbidden thrill, the purity I maintained throughout my life doing nothing to deter the desires of my woman's heart. A miko and a hanyou, and unlikely and dangerous match. I knew that I should thrust him away and leave, now that the danger to him had passed, but I wanted never to let him go. 

-------------------------------------- 

I woke again in the lightening hours before dawn; I could feel the youkai component of my blood beginning to turn quicksilver in my veins. 

Kikyou was...snoring? Softly and in a cute way, but definitely snoring. It was so at odds with her perfectly composed and somber demeanor. 

She woke when I turned my head, and I found her eyes, dark, fathomless, and wounded-looking. "Inuyasha, how are you feeling?" 

I tried to move and grimaced, not replying. She put a gently restraining hand on my chest. "Inuyasha, you're sorely wounded--" 

"Keh! I'll be fine. Thanks to your medicines the poison didn't kill me." I not ungently removed her hands and sat up. "Once the sun rises, these wounds should close...see?" It was as close to appreciation as I could show. I gestured to the gaping slash on my chest that was starting to knit. It itched. 

The sun rose fully, and everything came fully into sharp focus as the transformation was complete. Tentatively, she pulled the slashed material of my formerly white shirt away to examine the chest wound. The healing flesh was still an angry red, but it was closed and visibly fading. 

She surprised the hell out of me by covering her face with her hands. 

"Hey! You're not going to cry, are you?" I asked roughly, to cover my concern. 

Her hands came down. "I never cry," she said matter-of-factly, less a statement of pride than a statement of fact, though it was belied by the two fat tears rolling slowly down each cheek. 

Carefully, I reached over to catch both of them with my thumb. "I'm okay," I said huskily. Her regard warmed my heart. 

"I was so worried," she said, ever so softly. "I've rarely seen men survive wounds like that." 

"_I'm_ not a man," I said impatiently. "It wasn't enough to kill me in the space of a single night." 

She glared at me reproachfully. "How could I have known how long you were going to stay human? You never told me." 

I floundered desperately for something else to say, because she looked so fragile at that moment, Kikyou, whom nothing could disturb. "I owe you one, you know," I said grudgingly. "Thanks." 

After looking at me a long moment, she seemed to come back to herself, and smiled slightly. "In that case, Inuyasha, I have a favor to ask," she began. 

I looked away, somewhat hurt. What did she want from me? I hadn't _asked_ her to interfere. "Fine. What is it?" 

_In answer I reached slowly out with both hands, until I knew he would not flinch away, and touched his ears. "I couldn't take advantage last night," I murmured. _

They were like warmed silk under my fingers, twitching slightly under the caress. A low sound rumbled in his throat, and after a moment of indulgence he grasped my wrists and drew them down gently. 

"Enough. I'm not a damned pet dog." 

He did not let go. 

It was then that I began to realize that I trusted her, or thought I did. She had seen me at my most vulnerable, and put herself in unknown danger to help me. 

"Will you tell me what happened?" she asked softly. 

"My brother happened," I replied, in clipped tones. If she wanted to hear more than that, well, she was out of luck. But she seemed content to sit quietly with me instead, pressing no further. I almost bolted in surprise when her head dropped onto my shoulder, until I realized she'd fallen asleep. She must have been up most of the night, worrying. 

I was starving, my resources used up to heal the damage, my stomach demanding that I get up and hunt right that instant. But not for the world would I have dislodged her. I told myself staunchly that I could probably use the rest and reclined against the wall instead, her cheek against my breast, her hair tangling in mine. 

-------------------------------------- 

Our relationship changed as gradually as the season, with winter thawing into spring. There was a new closeness, though nothing was said aloud about it. We spent more time together, as it was warm enough to eat outside again. We became bolder about spending time openly with each other where any villager might see us. I cared less and less about what they might think, and I knew Inuyasha never cared what anyone thought. We walked on mountain trails, he constantly showing me things my own weaker senses overlooked. We took to gliding down the quiet river in a borrowed boat. The villagers would give me anything I asked for, after all. Borrowing a boat did not seem an unreasonable request, to me. 

Along with this new closeness there was also a new apprehension, a tremble that ran through me when I drew near, an expectation of something I could not name. Every moment had unknown potential, and I held my breath constantly, waiting for it to be realized, unaware that I even did so. 

One day, after such a trip, the moment bloomed. I'm not normally clumsy, but around him it seemed I was increasingly more unnerved, tripping more and more over stray roots and such. As I left the boat, my foot caught on the dock and I pitched forward to land heavily against his broad chest. He caught me awkwardly, the pole still in his hands. 

_Words had failed me, on the boat. I could not speak of what lay between us, but neither could I bear to talk of something else. The last thing I was expecting at that moment was to have her plummeting into my arms._

He went rigid and entirely still, just for an instant, before the wooden pole clattered against the deck and he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, crushing me to him. 

_For an instant I could not breathe, much less move, and then before I could think better of it I pulled her more securely against me, afraid I might never have the chance again._

Silver hair was in my eyes, so much softer than it looked, and the scent of him was everywhere. He gave off so much heat, always so fiery and impetuous, everything I could not be. I longed for him never to release me, to burn forever away the shell of ice I'd had to assume for so long... 

_I buried my face into her hair, drinking my fill of her scent, wanting to freeze time._

For a long moment I was struck utterly motionless with disbelieving joy. Then slowly, I turned my face into his neck, and he made a small, incomprehensible sound. 

_Soon, she will push me away...I felt my heart would shatter._

He might have let go, then, but I had finally brought my arms up to complete the embrace, tangling my fingers into his hair, and years of stretching the heavy longbow had not left me a weakling. 

_Her arms lifted, not to extract herself, but to hug me closer...she was strong, for a human girl. The vehemence in her response gave me hope; it was like the sun rising after a long moonless night. She **did** feel the same as I. My Kikyou. My white rose. But unlike her legend, this one blooms inside a seamless cage of glass, isolated, imprisoned, and untouchable._

I wanted to cry. Being held by him was sweeter than I could have imagined, but my soul was in agony, fully aware of the futility of it all. I was not free to love; I was chained forever to a cold, hard, jewel. 

"Don't ever let go," I whispered to him. As long as you hold me, I can pretend there is a future in this. 

--------------------------------------   
End Part 3 

Part 4 (the final chapter) is not too far from complete, but I won't try to guess when I will be able to post it. It could be tomorrow, it could be next month. For sure before the end of Christmas break, though, if nothing else. 

Song quote by Evanescence 

Sango ) 


	4. Haru ' Spring

Drowning in the Sun, Part 4   
Haru _(Spring)_   
-------------------------------------- 

_I lay dying   
And I'm pouring   
crimson regret   
and betrayal_

-------------------------------------- 

I waited for him at the crest of the hill, bathing in sunlight until I felt warm to the core. He was a bit late, but then that wasn't unusual. I rolled the heavy pearl of light idly around my palm, mindlessly studying the brilliant patterns it threw back onto my skin, translated from the sun. 

This jewel: my precious charge, my beautiful jailer. For as long as I must guard it, I can never be a normal human woman. Always my first thoughts must be of protecting and purifying it. To do so I must remain utterly pure, never knowing a man's love, denying my heart's deepest yearning to be a mate and mother. Always before such things had brought a vague, muted pain -- for no man had ever borne anything for me other than fearful respect. But Inuyasha...since meeting him the hurt and longing had become acute and unavoidable. With him, I knew I could be happy. I wanted to be with him. 

I smiled when he approached, that he might not sense my unhappiness, and found that as soon as he returned in kind, it disappeared. My life was caught up in that faint half-smile and made whole. 

I spread a coarsely woven blanket out on the hip-high grass, and then the meal for us to share. Afterward, lying back upon it we were visible only to airborne insects and any creatures of the air that happened to pass overhead. We lay in a small private room, four walls of pale green with a ceiling that was an endless window of sky. The only sound was the wind occasionally dragging lazy fingers through the waving grass. 

He fell asleep, and I was amazed again at the implied trust, making himself vulnerable out in the open, knowing that I would stay awake. His arm was hot around my waist, his breath stirring the hair at my nape. Most endearing were the small growling noises he made occasionally as he dreamed. Platinum hair wove around my fingers almost of its own will, coarse and satiny at the same time. 

We lay thus a long while, until I found he'd awoken, trailing a clawed finger along my jaw. 

"Beautiful, isn't it?" I asked him idly. "Spring has always been my favorite season, so full of blossom and promise." 

_She lay against me, staring up at the shifting patterns the capricious wind made of the early spring clouds, absently toying with a lock of my hair twisted around her finger. I cared nothing for the turn of seasons I had seen so many times; my eyes could only behold her, to whom nothing even of this blooming season could compare. Her head lay pillowed on a cloud of black silk, dusted generously with the sweet-smelling cherry blossoms carried everywhere by the wind, adding a subtle layer of sensuality to her already-tantalizing scent. Her hand found mine, and I sighed, for the sun had passed its zenith, and even now inched closer to the horizon, to the time of her leaving. I wanted to freeze this moment forever; I wanted it never to end. I would have given up __everything_ to spend the rest of my life with her. And... 

"Kikyou," I said softly. 

Her eyes turned questioningly toward me, a faint smile still on her lips. 

I spoke the next words carefully. I had to know. 

There was a degree of softness I had never heard in his voice before. He was also greatly more serious than I'd yet seen him, the expression on his face almost grave. 

"What would happen," he asked, "if you used the jewel to turn me human?" 

I sat up and turned slightly away, caught off guard. "If you willingly asked such a thing," I began wonderingly, not daring to hope, "it would probably be purified, and disappear." I took back my hand and pressed it against the other, that he might not feel them shake. 

His expression still gave away nothing. "And you? What would happen to you, should it cease to be?" 

My voice was muted by the tightness in my throat. "I would be only a normal woman, freed from this duty." 

He seemed to absorb that for a while, though it must have been mere seconds. 

Abruptly he sat up, recapturing my hands, and drew me to my knees in front of him. "Kikyou," he said again. He said my name like no one else, in a way that made me shiver. The amber depths of his eyes opened up to swallow me in flame. "Use the jewel to turn me mortal, and live with me as my wife." 

Tears sprang to my eyes, hope a sharp pain in my breast. "You really want this?" I said disbelievingly. "You would give up the long years of your hanyou's life, for me?" 

His hands left mine to slide up my arms, pulling me nearer as he leaned in to whisper, "I give them up willingly; they would mean nothing without you." 

_I want us to be together as a man and woman, not as a hanyou and miko who must slink away in the forest and meet only in secret. I want to make a life with you, to have children with you, to grow old with you._

I could not speak, I could only throw my arms around his neck and hold on. His arms came again around me, and he whispered his love into my ear. 

I turned my face into his neck, feeling the tears on my check, and gave the words back. Then I said, "Tomorrow, at noon. The jewel's power will be at its fullest. Meet me here..." 

I kissed him then, or he kissed me. He shed the jacket willingly, but hesitated when I loosed the ties of his shirt. "Kikyou, we--" 

"Shh," I said. "Are we not already pledged? What could happen in a day?" 

He made no more protest. We shyly explored what gifts love had to offer, with restraint enough to save the last for the morrow's eve. I can say naught else about that time other than it was sweet to me. 

Bittersweet, almost, for I would never hold him in this form again, no more to lose myself in the silver hair, under the touch of clawed hands that could be so surprisingly gentle. The so-familiar golden eyes would be lost to me, replaced by the darker human brown I barely knew. It seemed somehow wrong, that after having sought acceptance his whole life as a hanyou he would need to be human for us to be together, but it was the only way! I loved him, whatever skin he wore, I hoped he knew that. 

I pushed the nagging thought from my mind. Tomorrow I would be his wife, and I could imagine no greater joy. 

-------------------------------------- 

It was the little one's voice that enlightened me, as the pair left my miserable cave at sunset. The high, squeaky tone reached my ears where the elder voice had not. "Neesama! You're going to marry him? Use the Shikon no Tama to make him human?" 

No reply was audible, but the wind carried to my ears one last childish statement: "You mean, the jewel will disappear?" 

She means to purify it; She intends to turn some half-youkai human and lie with him. Such a waste of power, and woman. _I won't allow it -- She is mine!_ I will have the woman and the jewel both, but profaned and beautifully _dark_. 

No time remained; if it were going to be done, it would have to be tonight. I opened myself to the darkness, let it take me alive. 

-------------------------------------- 

That morning dawned even more beautiful than the one before, or to me at least it so seemed. In breathless anticipation I bathed and dressed, combing my hair until it shone, preparing a breakfast I could not eat. 

The sunlit walk to our meeting place seemed endless, miles longer than before. I suppressed the urge to run, not wanting to arrive sweating and breathless. I wore my best clothing and did not want to mar it with dirt or sweat. 

Better to have worried about gaping rends and bright-red blood. 

I should have sensed him coming, should have felt the malevolent attack approaching. Instead, lost in my own mind I was naming our children. How easily I had played into his hands. 

What a fool I was; He was youkai to the core, and I'd underestimated his guile at great cost. My heart died, crushed under the weight of falling dreams, once secretly shared with only one other. Using my love for him to gain the jewel's power was unforgivable. 

I had surrendered into his embrace willingly, to be one with him. And as such, I lost the ability to be one with the shikon. Only an untouched maid could do so, and while I was maid enough still, I was perhaps no longer so untouched. It did not reject me outright, but I was no longer so closely attuned to it; my senses were as any other mortal's when he struck me down, and I knew at once that the wound was fatal. Passion had cost me my very life. 

Blood or betrayal stained my vision red, and I could only grope blindly for the jewel I had dropped, gasping as the fingers were cruelly stepped on, though physical pain barely registered then. 

His callous laughter cut deeper than the claws, a weapon whose edge was the voice that had promised unending love only a day before. He mocked me and left me to drown slowly in my own blood, but I had other plans. 

I was a miko without peer. Love abandoned me, and soon would life, but steel enough remained. I would surely be hastening my own death, but I would not let him have this victory. Each step was a small eternity of pain, but I knew my body and its limits. I could reach my bow and strike him down before my time ran out. 

-------------------------------------- 

The purifying arrow pierced my heart swiftly, impaling me cruelly to the immense tree looming taller than all else in that wood, pinning me helplessly to the rough bark. The white-hot feathered shaft burned with a fire that blazed across every nerve, but the pain was nothing compared to that inflicted by its brethren earlier that morning, as the one for whom I had come prepared to give up both near immortality and the power I had craved my entire life had turned and loosed them at me without warning. 

I belatedly grasped at the jewel as it fell from my nerveless hand, but my eyes could see only the miko who stood before me, bow still in hand, expression cold as death. The sad face that had smiled ruefully at me so long ago was as gone as if it had never been. 

_How could she?_

In the end, she was like every other human, hating without reason, betraying me because of who I was. Oh, even Ofukuro had left me, dying too soon, killed by her own weak humanity. Humans. _How I hate them._

And then the world slipped away. 

_Kikyou--_

-------------------------------------- 

The ground comes up to meet my knees abruptly, as great razored teeth bite again into my chest and back. 

The jewel lies near my limp, blood-spattered hand: still the same pure, blazing white, lit with a soft glow, burning away the steadily dripping crimson that seeks to mar it. I had time then, to fully realize that I was dying. 

My anguished voice howled unrecognizably in my head, shredding forever the cherished images within, of the one I had loved, of the two of us together leading normal human lives. Our quiet, hopeful dream...that had only ever been mine alone. The hate that choked me then came with an unimaginable vengeance, an emotion the dark twin of the strongest one I'd known until that point, the profaned and twisted side of Love. 

Oh, what terrible hatred. The last vestige of who I had been cringed in horror and then disappeared forever, swallowed by the overwhelming tide of night-dark rage. The jewel flared in my palm, emitting an obscene, violet light. As it darkened, the gasping agony of my torn flesh and punctured lung receded, the respite too great to have been merely imagined. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe more shallowly, as the lung filled with blood. 

Such a choice. To die so young, holding the power to save myself in my hand all the while...or to heal myself and live forever as a prisoner to my own Hate, unrecognizable to even myself, perverting and corrupting the soul of the jewel I had been asked above all others to guard. 

_No._ Better to die than to unleash that kind of evil on the world. I hated Inuyasha with my entire being, but I wanted no one else to suffer as I suffered, and I vowed that I would not be the one to turn the jewel. 

The jewel glowed suddenly white again, as faultless as if the dark had never touched it. I nearly sobbed with the return of the pain's full force, but as my vision blurred with tears, the jewel seemed to reach out wispy tendrils of snow-white mist. They encircled me like a mother's embrace, the pain and all other sensation beginning to fade away as it took my sorrow into itself. _Ah, daughter_, a female voice whispered, heavy with sadness. 

Better to die. Better to forget. 

"Oneesama!" 

Kaede. Small hands grasp at my shoulder. "Your wound, we need to--" 

"It's too late for that," I whisper. I'm sorry, Kaede-chan. I won't be able to protect it anymore. I never wanted to pass this on to you -- No! I won't foist that burden onto another young girl's shoulders. I won't take away your chance at a normal life. 

_I won't let this happen to you._

"Kaede! Listen to me! The shikon...burn it with my remains--" 

My voice fails me, everything growing dark as though the sun is setting, though it is only morning. I can barely feel her clinging desperately to my arm. 

_Inuyasha...why?_

My last breath becomes a wordless sob as I pitch backward, falling, without ever hitting the ground. 

-------------------------------------- 

_**Afterword:**_

_Kikyou:   
I love you, my Inuyasha, but hate you still. The two emotions have lain side-by-side for so long that they are now hopelessly entangled. I can't even remember what it was like to love without the hate...it's only a fleeting, liquid dream that runs through my cold, dead fingers whenever I foolishly try to grasp it. _

At first, I hated you for the obvious reasons, because I thought you betrayed my love and caused my death. Then I hated you because you had not trusted me enough to question, leaving me to Naraku while you pillaged the village. Now, I hate you because you love _her_ instead, and I am faced with the full realization of all I have lost, seeing the man you have become under her tempering influence. You are stronger, more temperate, no longer hiding hurt and vulnerability beneath an abrasive, uncaring surface. You've become strong enough to care for others openly instead of holding selfish ambition determinedly before you like a desperate aegis. You've become the man you would have been with me...the husband who was the only dream I dared to harbor for myself. 

I wish for your death now, though my soul quails against it -- for I could not bring myself to kill you even before, when I hated you, when I thought you'd betrayed me utterly. I did not merely contain you for fifty years by accident. I wish for your death now because it is the only way we can be together. 

Inuyasha:   
I would have much time, later, for self-recrimination, on that long quest to kill Naraku, as though doing so could in any way absolve me of my guilt. 

I should have seen it...I should have realized that it was not her. Her scent, that unmistakable smell, was not present at all. Naraku was able to assume her form, but he couldn't fake that. Kikyou, who judged mainly with her eyes, cannot be faulted, but I, who use my other senses so much, cannot escape blame. If I hadn't been fooled, I might have saved her...I might have been able to stop him...or failing that, if I had been able to prevent her hatred of me, she might have been able to heal herself with the jewel without its corruption, his other goal. My Kikyou...so brave, to face her own death to preserve its purity, even after such a seeming betrayal. 

Had I trusted her, she would be alive. 

Why did I not question her motive to kill me then, _that_ morning, when she could have killed me easily so many times before and did not? What had she to gain? Why did I not wonder why an archer of such consummate skill would miss, if indeed she had finally decided to kill me? 

Instead I let wounded pride and hurt take me over, and savaged the village with the brunt of my anger, intent on stealing the jewel she had left behind. 

While I did so, he killed her. 

At first, Kagome, I loved Kikyou in you. In you I saw what she could have been without the shackles of a miko's duty, carefree and courageous, exuberant and happy. I saw how free her soul should have been, were she ever allowed to be only a girl. 

But only at first. Soon enough you were just Kagome, and I hated myself for allowing thoughts of you to overtake memories of her. And how could I let myself love you, when I had so abysmally failed her? I tried to prevent it, but you would not let me leave, though you forced nothing. 

I will free Kikyou or die trying, and do what little I can to make amends to her, to ease her grief and suffering. I can do no less. Only then, when that is done, can I love you freely, if I'm still alive. 

_Kagome:   
Lying awake at night, I wonder what will happen to the sliver of my (our) soul that she still clings to, harboring it away in that cold shell of clay and gravesoil. What will it be like, when it finally returns to rejoin the rest? Will it have been changed from the journey? Will I still be me? Will I then be her? Us? Does Inuyasha toss and turn at night with thoughts like this on his mind? _

I can't hate her. She tried to kill me, she certainly hates _me_, and I know that I'll always have to share part of his heart with her, but I **know** her, in a way even Inuyasha does not. For all that I hate it when people compare us, we're much the same. I want to cry for their tragedy even as I'm insanely jealous. I can't say that I would not feel the same as she, were our positions reversed. The only difference between us is that somehow I'm able to trust him where she could not...but perhaps that is only because I have before me their dark fable as a haunting example. 

I hope that she can find rest; I wish even that there were a way for her to be again with him, for her own broken heart, and his. I wish there were some resolution for us three that did not leave one miserable, because I know he can't be happy if either of us is not. Perhaps the real relationship to be resolved is not Kikyou and Inuyasha, but the one between her and I, our fragmented soul's past and present. If the soul can be mended and made one, his heart would no longer be forced to divide. 

--------------------------------------   
End Part 4 

Hope you enjoyed this piece at least half as much I as did writing it. 

Song lyrics by Evanescence 

Sango ) 


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